I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
