So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
