Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
