even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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