My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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