how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish I only lived at night.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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