I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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