I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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