I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
