You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
