using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I didn't notice because vodka
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
