I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
