Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
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Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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