sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
