I can text with my tongue
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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