found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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