when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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