I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
