I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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