In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i came on her dog
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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