I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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