woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
