would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
