My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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