you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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