I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
