i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
