Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
