He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
