If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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