i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
