I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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