"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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