I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
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I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.