Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
NoShamevember. You game?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?