i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
