I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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