Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
