If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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