so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
