i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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