Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
