walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
