she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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