Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
