i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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