who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
