Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
