After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
