dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
