marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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