I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
