chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
