we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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