A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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