The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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