Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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