Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
