I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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