I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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