you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
